Ashes In The Seine
by Miss Meggie
Summary: Snapshots in time, in the city she loved John reflects. John/Chyler Serie
1. Chapter 1

You're eighty-five and she's gone. Its an odd thing you feel this mix of pain and relief. You were being truthful when you'd told her all those years ago that you'd follow her into the dark, but first you have a promise to keep. You tend to hobble along now. Too many years spent in the ring, left your body a little more than broken down. You shrug off Tatum and Holden's help. You need to do this yourself. You take the urn from Paris the grandbaby named after this place.

"Daddy this isn't legal you can't just-" You silence Emmie with a look and step across the bridge Open the urn and things are flash across your mind some little seemingly insignificant things some things well, they define your life.

Taking a hand full of ash you let its slide through your fingers to the river below.

You think of a green eyed fifteen year old girl standing at the bottom of the stairs teasing your little brother…

"_Oh my god Bro, How'd you fool some girl into thinking you're cool?" John teased taking the stairs two at a time. "He didn't he cheated off me in math and I made him buy me lunch when we got caught…" she smiled and john felt something, something he didn't want to define. Instead he smiled in return and caught her eye. They were a clear and startling green. "I'm John."_

_She took his offered hand and shook it. "Chyler Grey."_

First kisses and one important winter night all flood back and you smile in spite of the pain.

The girls reach for a handful of ash, Tatum has her face but Embry inherited her heart, her light…It's funny that's what makes you cry, Not that you are dumping your wife into the Seine but that they are their mothers children.

"Bye Mama!" Tatum says. You watch as the gray rains over the black water.

Holden is next. He's humming quietly and you realize the song is one Chyler used to sing it was her favorite "The far side banks of Jordan."

The grandkids pick up and begin to sing, first Canden _"But if it proves to be his will that I am first to cross,"_

Then Ashton, _" And somehow I've feeling it will be when it comes your time to travel likewise don't feel lost."_

" _For I will be the first one that you'll see." _Paris added. Dropping her ashes in.

"See you on the banks of Jordan mama." Decker added letting the ash fall away to the water.

Jaylyn continued the song _"And I'll be waiting on the far side banks of Jordan."_

The boys, Tony, Ash, Felix and Bennet picked it up _"I'll be sitting drawing pictures in the sand."_

"_When I see you coming I will rise up with a shout and come running through the shallow waters reaching for your hand."_ The babies Lissette and Jamie finished.

They were all in various stages of crying but it wasn't all that sad mostly because they all knew that it was true, she was waiting on them all.

"But mostly Me…" You think to yourself. All the kids think of this as you're and Chyler's city but to you its always been her city. You were just there for decoration.

You wonder if you should educate the younger generations or just keep it to yourself, Chyler found herself here, you'd found just how deeply you loved her here, gotten married in that huge Château in Nice and honeymooned here, Tatum was born here, you tried to find a way to heal Chyler here, and now your placing her here. In some ways your life was made here.

Its all here and you find yourself not wanting to share it.

-/-/-/-

**AN: I own nothing but my characters. I used and listened to Johnny & June Carter Cash's "The Far Side Banks Of Jordan." While writing this bit give it a listen it fits the John/Chyler relationship very well. Please read & review!-Meghan**


	2. Chapter 2

You're twenty six and aren't sure exactly what you're doing here, except that you need to see her. Your brothers words sticking in your brain, he thinks you don't deserve her and lead her on maybe you do. You don't know how to change it.

There's the way she lights up when she sees you that always makes you feel warm like the sun has planted itself in your chest. There is the banter that make the two of who you are and you feel jealousy burning in your gut when she says that sexy black thing she's trying to pass off as a dress is for her boyfriend, the hoity toity dude Sean mentioned.

He doesn't want to think of some French fuck getting her out of it so he thinks of doing so himself and she does look good too good, possibly the tightest skinniest pair of black jeans he's ever seen on her, a burgundy turtleneck that fits to the curve of her chest like a second skin. She must feel his gaze on her because she looks uncomfortable or maybe turned on you really can't tell, She brings up Liz and any sexual thought is doused she effectively threw a bucket of ice cold reality on you. You dodge her question compliment her French and ask her to show you the city. You are pleasantly surprised when she says yes.

She puts on a hat so sparkly god could use it as Chyler GPS. She writes Pepe Le Dickwad a note and you are off your hand in hers.

She trucks you out into the Paris sunshine taking you to a bakery about a block from her walk up and orders something. You like hearing her speak French all those vowels are sexy. A biracial woman cuts in front of him and whispers something to Chyler.

They turn. "Johnny, this is my room mate Ruby."

"Ruby Navarro, John Cena."

The other woman says some that ends with "American," "Oh wait I hope he's not fluent." she says with a British accent.

"Not a chance and Yes it is." Chyler smiles.

"Nice to meet you John," She turns back to Chyler. "No worries love, I'll handle Jean-Paul if he comes by." "Thank you." Chyler says as the baker hands over a bag.

"Au revoir babe." Ruby says.

"Bye love ya Rubes…" And she sweeps out.

Chyler is handing over euros and robust man behind the counter is eying him.

Puis-je avoir la cutie lorsque vous avez terminé avec lui?"Chyler laughs. "Ah! Benard coquin! Il a pris et, malheureusement, pas par moi."

"Why do I feel as though I'm being talked about?"

Chyler grins quick and sly. And hands John a croissant. "Because you are. Benard wanted a shot ya when I was done," Chyler is laughing at the look on his face. "No worries told him you were taken. Eat that no bitching about your carb intake either you come to Paris ya gotta eat good food it's a rule."

"This sure is an interesting place." he mutters. Chyler's laughing again and dragging you away.

You watch Chyler walk a little ahead of you and realize somewhere between her bedroom a year ago and now she's become a woman. You like it. Its comforting and unsettling all at once. You're not sure how long you can avoid whatever this is, how long you can keep it unbroken and pure. You stuff a bite of croissant in your mouth before do something stupid like say you love her or kiss her senseless.

She walks backwards facing you down a tiny side street with a long ass name, you want to tell her be careful, watch where you are going Chy but she smiles at you like the whole world is perfect and the sun is back in your chest and you can barely swallow much less speak.

"Good stuff there Johnny?" she gestures to your half eaten pastry. You can only nod dumbly.

"Told ya! Come on the Louve's this way."

-/-/-/-

The Mona Lisa isn't as impressive as you thought it would it would be its no bigger than an eight by ten and well its just not what you expected. You hate museums the shits boring but Chyler is all leaned up against you curled into your arms and warm. She smells nice too a flowery so it's all bad.

You get the shit almost literally scared out of you when Chyler lets you walk up on a statue literally walking through a stone wall. He's reaching out to something one leg through and half his face. Jesus Christ its weird but so detailed you appreciate the art. Chyler is laughing so hard she's lost her balance and is sitting on the concrete.

"Johnny your face… so white…" More cackling.

"Shut up!"

"Sorry can't too funny…"

"Chyler…"

"Oh Shit…" She laughs "That's the hardest I've laughed in forever. Thanks."

"Glad I amuse you." You reply dryly

"Always baby, did you think he was going to get you?"

"What is it?"

"The walker through walls…I nearly pissed my pants the first time Ruby showed me or really let me think I was being mugged."

"Do you want to go to Versailles? We can bring a picnic to the palace grounds."

"Why not?"

-/-/-/-

We head to an open air market to get things for our picnic it's massive and a little startling but Chyler's right a home. You stop because a man has his easel set up and is painting, a bunch of junk on rickety old table A chipped teacup a red hat box and a loosed string of pearls. Chyler is next to you now her hand slipped into yours "Sometimes imperfection is my favorite thing." she says. You both stand there you don't know how long, totally silent and its perfect.

You want to buy the painting but you know Liz will ask questions and ruin its beauty. You drop a euro next to the guys feet and pull Chyler along.

-/-/-

You go back to Chyler's little three room nest like loft and sit on a worn leather couch while she prepares your lunch.

"You like it here Chy?" Its more statement than actual question. She nods. "I do."

"Why?" you pick up a book read the spine. _Love Letters Of Great Men._ You smile only Chyler. "Why? I like the rhythm and feel of the place, the people the action the art food all of it. I like who I am here more than any other place…" You know she wants to add something but doesn't. Opening the book you find her place marker a red length of sequin trim stopped on a letter by John Keats. You read and suddenly know why its stopped here.

March 1820Sweetest Fanny,You fear, sometimes, I do not love you so much as you wish? My dear Girl I love you ever and ever and without reserve. The more I have known you the more have I lov'd. In every way - even my jealousies have been agonies of Love, in the hottest fit I ever had I would have died for you. I have vex'd you too much. But for Love! Can I help it? You are always new. The last of your kisses was ever the sweetest; the last smile the brightest; the last movement the gracefullest- "That made me cry. He was dying of tuberculosis and had fallen in love literally with the girl next door, its so sweet and perfect yet achingly painful don't you think?" Chyler interrupts

"Why do you have this?"

"To remember great and true love exists." she sips red wine from a coffee mug.

"Someone will love you like that some day." he says.

"So my Daddy tells me." She sighs grabbing their food "Lets go. It takes forever to hail a cab."

Versailles is enormous to the point enormous isn't a big enough word to describe it. You two take part of the tour then set out in the lawns on a blanket and eat thick sandwiches with rich cheese sweet ham and crusty bread and some left over fruit tartines Chyler had bought from the gay baker. And wine to wash it all down.

You realize as you watch the wind blow through the ends of her hair. You do love her but its to late you're with Liz telling her will only hurt her. Instead you pull her close and kiss her temple.

"What John?"

"I'm happy to be with you." she's quiet and kisses your cheek. "Likewise."

-/-/-/-

On your way back from Versailles you recognize the melody on the cab radio but not the French words then. Chyler sings them, "I could drink a case of you and still be on my feet." She smiles at you. "Joni Mitchell."

You take a picture with the Eiffel Tower in the background. You drunkenly admit to Chyler you a lot more than like her. She tenses a moment "Do you have some wwe curfew to keep?"

"No."

"Good. The perfect place to watch the sunset is Sacre`- Cour."

"What's that?"

"A church on a hillside in the Montmartre suburb."

Another hailed cab some scary ass driving and they are in fron't of a great multi-domed church. You kind of feel the need to go in and thank god for letting you survive the drive but Chyler is spreading a blanket on a side lawn and sitting down. You lay beside her leaning on your elbows. You look over and are so taken you can't breathe.

"Sunrise is better, but you have to leave so." the sky is being painted in god's palette of colors and the light makes Chyler's skin appear golden.

"Chy you know I- you know that I right?"

Chyler shoots him an angry look and starts ranting in French "Je fais ce que sais que tu m'aimes sais, vous avez toujours sais que je ne serai jamais assez Et je peux;? t même que vous détestez pour lui Pourquoi ne pas simplement dire qu'il baise et embrasse-moi bon sang! mais non! tu es si noble putain! Fuck cela et vas te faire encule! John Cena!"

"All I caught was my name pretty baby. And the word fuck." he smirks and immediately knows it's the wrong thing to do. There are tears in her pretty green eyes.

"I know John of course I do, why do you think I stay, wait? Don't say the words to me until you can mean them wholly. I don't wait to fight with you not after the perfect day we've had but you need to know this. I'll wait for you because it still feels right but I won't wait forever because I deserve love and to be with some who can tell me and show me. Eventually someone who a lot more than likes me but doesn't dare to love me won't be enough."

He swallows the lump of tears choking him. "Okay."

-/-/-/-

She hugs you goodbye at your hotel with the door man staring. She goes up on her tip toes. "Goodbye for now my Johnny." she kisses the pulse point in your neck and tries to move out of your arms. You grab her up against you and kiss her forehead. "This was fun Pretty Baby see you in West New."

You watch her cab pull away. You aren't any closer to answers than you were during that argument with Sean.

"We'll always have Paris." you murmur to yourself and then laugh. "God she's turned me into the worlds biggest cheese ball." you go up to your hotel room and smile at the staring doorman.

-/-/-/-

You are eighty five and look to Canden "Come on Teezny I want to show you and the other girls Sacre`Couer."

-/-/-/-

**AN: I own nothing but my characters, The love letters of great men is an actual book I borrowed a bit of John Keats' letter to Fanny Brawne I do not own it. If you want to read Chyler's rant in English use google translate I did, all the places I used are real! I think that's all please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

You're thirty and on your honeymoon. You wake alone so you're not quite sure its real until you inhale a deep breathe and smell the boggy scent of the seine flowing just below the open balcony door. You plant your hand beside you to roll over and search of Chyler but the sound of crinkling paper beneath your palm pulls you up short. You read her scrawling handwriting _went to the market be back love you. _You lay still and fall back asleep in minutes.

When you wake again, you hear a pretty song in French. You have no idea what is being said you just like the whispery way Chyler is singing along under her breath as she puts away groceries. She strolls into your view. Nit picking at flowers in a vase. She's wearing a black silk one shoulder short sleeved top and a cherry red suede mini skirt. Black knee high spike heeled boots and a thin gray scarf around her neck. Her dark hair falling on her shoulders.

"You look pretty." You shelve the dirty thing you almost said and smile at her.

She looks over her face clean of any make up. "Oh you are awake."

"Real pretty."

"Thank you." She grins "Mornin' baby."

"Good morning Pretty Baby." You get up and follow her out on to the balcony where she sit's a vase of what you think is freesia down on a little table.

She leans on the intricate wrought iron of the balcony.

"Can we just stay this way forever?" she murmurs looking over her shoulder at you the breeze picking at her hair. You walk over standing behind her you place your hands on the iron at her sides. Trapping her body with yours. You smirk at the little thrill it gives you. You kiss along her jaw line. "Being married is what that means Chy." you tell her smiling but it doesn't shake her suddenly serious mood. She turns in your arms facing you. "I'm tired of all the drama John. Becca and Leland. Vince. Randy. It's never ending." she's trailing the nail of her index finger down the center of your chest. You try mightily to concentrate on the conversation. "We're going to fix it you know, and what we can't well we just don't give a fuck about deal?"

"But we have to go back to hating each other in a week." you want to hear none of it no mention of work or Monday should touch this tiny bit of paradise. You kiss her to shut her up. Because you want to and it feels good. Because you can.

You sense the moment her brain down shifts from fast paced, "I have so much to do and worry about." to "Oh! Sex!" idle. Everything slows, her arms wrap around your neck and she kissing back. Slowly. She's forcing you to back pedal into the bedroom. You totally do not mind.

You are pushed back onto the bed and you let her have control because the truth is kind of like being at her mercy. You like sitting back and being in the moment. The brush of her lips against yours the fall of her hair tickling your face.

Clothes fall away revealing a body you know better than your own, a body you've mapped out with your mouth and hands. Your hand falls to her hip to steady her she's straddling your lap. Your thumb brushes a scar on her hip left behind while jumping a fence with your baby brother. You smirk against the soft skin of her neck.

"What? I can feel that you know?" there is a laugh in her voice as she leans back to catch your eye.

"Nothing, I was just thinking that Leland probably doesn't know you have this scar here." your thumb brushes it. "Or that you got it running from the Jenkins kid's party when Danny busted it up."

"It was my own fault for going to a party in my almost brother's jurisdiction. Still, it hurt like a bitch. Can we shut up about my almost brothers and past lovers its killing the mood. Jesus that was like a title to a bad country song." she laughs uproariously as you fling her over pining her beneath you. You love that laugh and that she's yours.

You hike up her skirt and get down to work. "I'm so glad that cow gave his life for your skirt 'cause damn girl…"

She chuckles "How long have you been waitin'-" her question is cut off as you find your way home. "Oh shit. Never mind." you laugh against her collarbone setting the pace.

Later when you are both worn out. You look at your cell phone and note the time. Nearly noon. Chyler flips on the tv, Legend Of The Fall is playing with bad French over dubbing that sounds like James Earl Jones and Gerard Depard due had a baby.

"Seriously baby how many times have you seen this?"

"In French or English?"

"Combined."

"Like eight. I like it."

"Tristan is a douche to Suzannne."

"Yeah. But I cant be mad at him he's just to gorgeous."

You chuckle in spite of yourself. "Uh huh, didn't you promise me crepes?"

"Love, honor, cherish, yes. Life time supply of crepes not so much. Besides, I'm a sucky creper. Is that a word?"

"Uh, I'll look it up?"

She rolls her eyes at you as if random conversation is out of the ordinary for you two.

"Come on, if I'm going to make lazy American crepes you get to stand around and look useful."

"Lazy American crepes?"

"Remember the French boyfriend you've never met but hate on principal?"

"Yes I loathe him." You deepen your voice on the word "loathe" making her giggle in a sweet girlish way.

"Ruby taught me to make them by turning a skillet upside down and spreading the batter with the back of a spoon. At the time it was cheaper than a street vendor. Jean-Paul called me low class." she says pulling your shirt over her head.

"French douche bag." you mutter following behind her. Stomping down stairs to the kitchen.

-/-/-/-

You ponder starting a food fight but the quiet is to perfect to ruin. She's moving around gathering up ingredients.

"Eggs butter, salt and… Sugar…what else?"

"Can I help?"

"sure can you crack eight eggs into a bowl and beat them for me and then melt down a fourth cup butter for me in the microwave?" she asked over her shoulder. As she moved to get milk and flour. "Whatever you do John don't combine them honey."

"Ok got it." you work in companionable silence for a bit and she catches you smiling. "What?" you watch her add this and that eyeing batter and stirring in cocoa powder. "Its just this kinda stuff is what I was looking forward to when we got married."

"I've made you crepes before John, Chocolate okay?"

"Fine. I just meant like doing simple things with you." "Me too." She kisses you lightly. "Can you hand me the Pam its on your side of the kitchen." your gaze sweeps the vastly out dated kitchen with its 1950's stove. Until your eyes land on the red and yellow can. You toss it to her. "Wouldn't it be easier to use the inside of the skillet?" you say eying the cast iron skillet overturned on the lit burner. "In theory yes but Ruby always got them stuck or burned them that way so I do to because this was what I was taught. She turns on her ipod in its dock so that its playing lowly. She sets about making crepes you eat them just as fast as she makes them. Foregoing the redi-whip she has set out.

"Hey save me some!" She gripes and your taunting laugh is cut of by the sharp cut of her gaze. "Ok I'll stop being a pig." she starts swaying to a David Gray song as she makes more crepes.

"Dance with me." you offer your hand. "Now? But I'll burn the crepes." you toss the pan into the sink problem solved and pull her to you as the guy on the ipod is lamenting how this year's love had better last. The two of you are so close you might as a well be one person. You are barely moving swaying and turning slowly. You think of how comical the both must look. You dwarf Chyler in your white shirt and her shiny boots. You wear nothing but sweat pants but can't make yourself care even if someone walked by the kitchen window. "When you kiss me on that midnight street sweep me off my feet singing aint this life so sweet." you lift her off her feet turning in a tight circle before putting her back down. Something strikes her in that moment you can see it. You don't know quiet what is or if she'd even tell you. "I love you, John."

"I know, Thank you." the perfection of the moment is marred by the trilling of Chyler's phone. "Leave it." You plead.

"Can't that's Sean." She reaches blindly behind her grabs it answers. "Hello."

"Yes, Hello you giant cock block!" you shout toward the phone. You move to kiss her neck intent on the childish effort to make a hickey trail. She inhales but not sharply as you suck on the skin where chin meets neck. You give her points for composure.

"umm hum yes I'm having a lovely time." you smirk into her skin.

"You needed something Sean?" She sounds bored.

"You're going to what? Hang on," Sean's going to ask Lacy to marry him!" She directs at you with a look of happy shock. "Yes, I think she'll say yes! Are you kidding! No I won't say anything, Yeah I'll start sketching now.

I will love you too. Here's Johnny." she hands you the phone.

"He wants advice. Be nice. Make me a crepe, I want to go to Jardin de Tuileries today sound good to you?" She leaves you phone and creping materials in hand as she goes to get dressed.

"Any place with you sounds good baby."

"You have no idea what she's talking about do you man?" Sean says.

"Not a clue. Ok so I help you figure out the best way to propose you help me figure out how to make a crepe deal?"

-/-/-/-/-

It turns out Jardin de Tuileries is what amounts to Parisian park near the Arc de Triomphe. You sit near a giant fountain on a bench next to Chyler as she sketches. "Lace for Lacy do you think? Or is it to cliché?"

"you can ask her later." you kiss the palm of her free hand. Thinking to yourself just for now this is perfect.

-/-./-/-

You're eighty five and smile as they all peer into the window of that tiny kitchen. "We lived here for a little over a year Chyler wanted to have Tatum in France and so we did."

"its so tiny and quaint Dad." Tatum says awestruck. "We made do." comes the reply.

-/-/-/-

AN: I used all real places and music. I own nothing but my characters. Music can be found on my tumblr: Meghan84 (dot) tumblr (dot) com no spaces.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: I own nothing but my characters. This is belated wedding gift for my girl Tabs, I love ya! Lastly please leave a review.**

-/-/-/-

You're thirty two and your very pregnant, extremely crazy wife has talked you into living in Paris for a year. She wants the baby to be a French citizen. You're pretty sure she's out of her mind.

You speak only very poor and broken French. You like the anonymity living in Paris has provided and the uniquely intimate experience of Chyler's pregnancy it's given you but the thought of the actual birthing of your child in a foreign country kind of freaks you out.

You return from your morning run to find Chyler standing in the doorway to the house. Clad in your hard knocks tee shirt and Tinkerbell pajamas. She's leaning into the door frame with her head down.

"Don't worry baby I swear I did a good job on your pedicure." you say with a grin. Pulling out your ear buds that blasts Luckenbach, Texas

"What do you think contractions feel like John?" she asks voice shaking

"You're not trying to find your feet?" You say swallowing a lump of tennis ball sized fear.

She looks up finally. "Nope. Trying to hold myself up. A little help?"

You rush forward. "Right. Totally. Sorry." you pick her up as though she weighs nothing and carry her into the kitchen. "I'm a cow and you can still pick me up that's nice." She says breathing shallowly through her nose.

"You're not a cow. You are beautiful." You sit her in a chair .

"You have to say that if you want to get laid again. You don't mean it."

"Do so! That one over?" you kneel in front of her glancing at the clock.

"Umm hmm." She nods.

"Good. We got this Chy no problem." you say with a wave of your hand.

"You're really calm. You can sit in a chair babe." you drag over a chair and sit so closely in front of her your knees are touching.

"The baby needs a name." she tells you, nails tapping a nervous rhythm on the table.

The two of you have had many conversations concerning this and can never agree. It turns out to be one of the few indicators of how different the two of you actually are. She wants something unique but still classic you want something simple. Having three names isn't the easiest you know that firsthand. You smile at her and brush the hair away from her eyes, tucking it behind her ear.

"True we don't want the little one ending up no name Cena."

She snickers a little and you feel better. You know she's just as freaked out as you are probably more, a human being has to come out of her tiny body. You want her to be as stress free as possible.

"So I've come up with a solution." She grabs your left hand, threading her fingers through yours she squeezes slightly.

"Tell me when you have another contraction."

"Will do." She still looking down distractedly at your joined hands. Eyes fixed on your wedding band. "What?" you ask.

"Nothing." She looks up at you a moment and you can't decide what the look of wonderment on her face means.

"It's just," She pauses chewing her bottom lip. "I got everything I ever wanted and I'm happy. So happy that sometimes I stop and think is this even real? Where's the catch?"

You laugh you can't stop yourself. The hormones tend to make her maudlin.

You stop laughing abruptly at the dirty look you are given.

"Pretty Baby, there's no catch we get be happy because we deserve it. We've earned it, and trust me this is completely and terrifyingly real." You answer placing your free hand at the top of her belly.

"You're scared too?"

"Out of my mind woman. Now want some breakfast?" you lean forward and kiss her softly on the mouth.

"Good I thought it was just me you're freakishly calm right now. Cinnamon toast sounds good."

"That I can do." you reply getting up and moving to the stove. "On the inside I'm totally flipping the fuck out." you grab the bread from the bread box. One thing about France that you love is the fresh bread.

"Any more contractions?" you ask looking over your shoulder

"You'll be the first to know Johnny."

"What was your solution to the name thing? And where's the butter?"

"Fridge door. Oh….I just….whoo…no stay there I'm fine. They don't last long but geeze…"

"And they aren't in a pattern yet?"

"No how long was that one?"

"Around twelve seconds and 25 minutes apart."

"Go back to your toast making handsome."

"I love you." you tell her because you feel guilty for the pain she's going through even if it's short lived at the moment.

"And I love you. The name thing right! I thought if it's a boy I'll name and if it's a girl you will."

"And do we have veto power?" you spread butter on the bread.

"Only if its something truly awful. Otherwise we trust the others judgment."

"In that case I veto Edgar ahead of time, I don't care how much you love Wuthering Heights Edgar is out."

"Even I'm not that obsessed." she says laughing loudly.

"Ok so I veto stripper names."

"Like?" you say just hassle her.

"Candi, Bambi, Tami, basically anything that ends with an I." You shrug while sugaring her toast. "Sounds fair. I'd like to use your maiden name for her middle."

"If it is in fact a her. You got something in mind?"

"No, not really I just always liked your name. It's a girl." you nod while adding the cinnamon and putting it under the broiler to cook faster.

"I can feel it in my bones." you finish your sentence.

"You sure that's not ring rust your feelin?"

"See that? That's just you being mean!" you point at her and she giggled as you plop back into your seat. "For that I oughta eat your toast."

"Do it and I promise you'll be taking a dirt nap." She smirks at you with that look in her eye. You know what's coming.

She grabs your shirt and kisses you deeply.

"You really need to stop playing Mafia Wars on Facebook babe." you tell her the words falling against her lips. You place your hand on the back of her neck to deepen the kiss yourself. You cup her cheek with the other. You are perfectly satisfied to fool around until the next contraction hits or the toast burns which ever comes first.

It turns out the former arrives on the scene first. She's sitting in your lap now so you feel her body both tense and freeze directly. It's more than a little frightening. Her breath flutters against your cheek when she exhales. You look up at her slightly to catch her eye.

"Okay?" You ask.

"I don't know what to do John. I've read all the books but I…it didn't prepare me I need help." you fish your cell phone out of your pocket and hit five.

"John what are you doing?"

"Calling my mother."

"John it's like three am in Boston!"

"So she won't- Hey Mom, Chy is having contractions but she's not sure of what she's feeling or if we should go to the clinic yet. Okay hang on I'll ask are the pains sharp, intense, just pressure?"

"Sharp. Really sharp."

"She says most definitely sharp. I don't know Mama. Because I didn't time it. Well we were making out. Okay we'll stop damn! I'll time the next one." you hold your hands in surrender even though he can't see you.

"Should we do anything else? Is it okay to eat breakfast?"

"She wants you to walk around until the contractions are regular." Chyler gives you a stricken look,

"Mom, she just looked at me like someone just ran over her puppy with a Mack truck. Okay, I'll hold you up babe it's the movement that helps. I know mom she's doing good I'm really proud of her. She says she wants to go natural, I might need the drugs instead. There that got a smile. Alright I will. We love you too Mom thanks. Bye.

"She says go ahead and eat because they might not let you eat at the clinic until after and to wait until the contractions are ten minutes apart and last a minute or more."

"Fifteen, we have to catch a cab.""Fifteen got it."

"Tell me I'm not going to die John. Tell me I can do this."

"You're doing it baby and I won't let you die." you kiss her forehead.

-/-/-/-

You're probably on the tenth lap around the kitchen and lower living area when she cries out and her knees buckle. Chyler's inner sailor man comes out with a "Shit! Holy fuck this goddamn hurts!"

"Breathe baby…" you rub her back.

"I need you to trust me on this Johnny screw the time I need the Clinic."

-/-/-/-

Once you finally flag down a cab, you get in to find the car smells like patchouli and you have managed to find the only Indian cab driver in all of Paris.

"Parlay vous Angleys?" you ask.

The guy shakes his head and mutters something neither of you understand.

Chyler shifts uncomfortably in the seat. "I don't speak Hindi John."

"Then try French!" you snap back.

"Don't yell at me!" She gripes

"Maternité Sainte-Félicité et rapide s'il vous plaît" she says fuildly in between contractions and thankfully the guy puts the car in gear.

"Sorry I yelled baby."

"Its okay. Just hold my hand." and so you do. it's a fair drive to the clinic, which is run by catholic nuns. In part that makes you feel better. You aren't overly religious but do believe the fact that your child will be born in a place of faith eases your mind.

Chyler squeezes your hand and breathes carefully through a contraction. She has her eyes closed and her head tilted back . "Did you remember the bag and Ipod?"

"Yes Pretty baby I got you covered I even remembered to load your birthing play list."

"Thanks."

-/-You arrive at the Clinic and mostly carry Chyler in. "Ma femme est active m'aider s'il vous plaît." you say clearly.

"I understood you perfectly baby, nice." Sure enough help rushes forward and you feel relived. Until they hand admittance papers totally in French.

You know first few just by looking at them. Name, age, doctor, but it gets more in depth "Chyler!" She's sitting in the wheelchair now. "Yeah babe,""What is in cass de de cees?" you say sounding it out "In the event of death, they want to know who to call if I kick the bucket."

"You are not funny Chyler."

"I'm sorry baby, I'll fill it all out?" "How you can barely breathe.""I can between…Can you cuss in front of a nun? You're the good catholic boy…ohh…sh…" you catch the nun pushing the wheelchair say follow me and so you do."

"I think blaspheming in front of nuns is frowned upon.""Then I'm gonna need the option to break your hand." you offer her your hand. "Chyler you can get an epidural no one will care and I won't tell anyone."

"I can do it…I just holy crap…" you step in front of the chair the nun shoots you a dirty look. You squat down. "Deep breath baby, you are doing so good."

"I'm hot."

"Damn straight."

"No John an actual hot flash." you use the paper work as a fan.

She's finally in a room and the nurses are speaking rapid French and poking Chyler with needles. You feel panic starting to rise.

"I can't understand anything you all are saying and you stop poking at my wife what is that shit?" you end the sentence nearly on a yell. Chyler catches your eye and doesn't look away as she speaks in calm French to the nurse.

The nurse turns after smiling somewhat placatingly at Chyler.

"We're sorry we weren't aware of your language barrier we'll speak English from now on. And this is…" She holds up a fluid filled bag. "Is just fluids."

"Okay. Sorry."

"Not a problem."

The nurses check her dilation. "You're at a five Madam Cena. That's good progress."

"We should keep the family in the loop. Call one of your brothers"

"Sean's almost more excited than us he won't care if we wake him up." you dial him up.

"Sean hey bro, Chy's in active labor, a five how'd you? Okay that's a tad disturbing….Sure hang on let her get situated." once Chyler was sitting comfortably he handed over the phone. "Hey! Yeah, no I'm fine oh it hurts like hell but- Yeah we thought you'd like to be our news spreader. Ow fuck!" you rush forward and grab her hand. "Remember we get a baby at the end of it…"

"Right, we get a baby…rub my back?"

"Yeah, I'll let you go before I start cussing in French or something…Love you too! Bye."

There is a lot of breathing and Chyler making high pitched pained noises that only dogs can hear. You lay along the edge of the bed, rubbing her back and keeping quiet. She's already yelled at you for singing along with your Ipod. You know she's trying so hard to keep it together. To remain calm and centered but she's failing despite the effort.

"I want to go home, John. I don't want do this anymore." She whines you smile and kiss her cheek. "You can't." you move the sweat dampened locks of hair off her neck. "Cause no way am I delivering our baby. You are almost there babe, just hang on a tad longer."

She huffs a tiny laugh. You kiss her cheek.

-/-/-/-

Five hours later and she's in the midst of pushing. You' ve been coaching calmly in a quiet voice. "one…two…three… four…Harder baby you can do it." she grunts and breaths out. " no keeping going…" She starts again but shoots you a nasty look. "Again…one…two…"

"I can see the head Chyler come on push Darling…" The doctors says.

You move down from Chyler's head to peek. It's both incredibly gross and cool at the same time. "Ohh my god baby!" you laugh gleefully for some odd reason "It's right there. Push!"

"Does it have hair?" she asks gasping and red faced. "Yeah lots of it." Chyler's hand tightens in yours and it all becomes completely real your going to be a father within the next five minutes.

Two kind of frightening pushes later the baby is free of Chyler's body. "it's a girl." the doctor says

The doctor jostles a cry from her and lays the pink and messy baby on Chyler's chest. You check her out momentarily mesmerized. She is in fact glaringly obviously a girl. You get to name her. She has Chyler's nose and your chin. She has curly hair at least it looks curly under all that yuck. She gets that from you. Your's is curly if you let it grow out. Your touching her tiny hand when Chyler touches your cheek. She wipes away a tear knocking you from your reverie.

You look down. She's smiling brightly with tear filled eyes. "We…we did that." you say in awe. Leaning down to kiss her. You want to kiss the baby but can't find a clean spot.

They had you the scissors to cut the cord and you are suddenly seized by fear.

"You won't hurt her sir, just cut between the clamps." a nurse says. You do and she's free. And the nurses carry her off to be cleaned and weighed.

You follow stopping half way. You turn back to Chyler. "Wait, I love you."

"I know. I'll be okay go. Besides you don't wanna see the next part." she scrunches her face and shakes her head.

-/-/-/-

You stand at the incubator station with your cell phone snapping pictures of your screaming but perfect baby girl and sending them to family and friends. With the message "I'm in love with my girls."

You get texts back immediately.

Randy O.: Welcome to the club man, Rocks doesn't it…"

Mom: She's beautiful…send more. How much does she weigh? Length? Her name? love you. I'm so proud.

Dad: Congrats son. Kiss Chy for me…and nameless baby. See you in two weeks she's gorgeous.

Sean: How's Chy? She's so tiny and pretty."

Matt: You cry dude? My niece is beautiful.

Dan: Oh she looks like Chyler! Thank god you'd make an ugly girl. LOL! Love you man congrats, Carly says she's going to sneak her home from Paris in her carry on.

Steve: She's beautiful. You faint? How's the wife?

They tell you numbers in the metric system. You are lost. "Seven pounds twelve ounces twenty inches long Johnny." Chyler answers. You promptly text your mother back with the info and "I'm still working on the name." Chyler's mother calls and you give her the phone. Knowing she loves you but really wants to talk to only Chy.

-/-/-/-

Chyler's fed the baby and they are both sleeping. You pick up your daughter…wow that sounds weird even mentally. You look her over, lingering on her chubby face.

"I think you look like a Tatum. What do you think? The girl groans her sleep you take that as an okay. You nudge Chyler. She jerks awake. "Everything's fine. Tatum Grey Cena?"

"Tatum Grey, Hm, I like it."

They fall back asleep. You see the hospital stationery and think why not.

-/-/-/-

Chyler wakes alone. Well not entirely alone the baby is sleeping in the little bassinet on wheels next to her. There is a letter addressed to Chyler and "Tater." sitting on the bedside table. Chyler rolls her eyes. "Sorry about the unfortunate nickname baby girl." She opens it and begins to read. Placing her free hand on the baby's chest. "Okay. Still breathing I feel better." She begins reading.

"Hey my ladies, I was sitting here watching you two sleep and thought to myself I want them to have something tangible to keep from this day so I'm writing this.

I know Chyler and I will never forget this day but still. I want the both of you to know two things. How much I truly do love you and how grateful I am to have you. When I asked for your mother's hand in marriage Tatum, I told her father there wasn't a whole lot in this world that I was truly good at but I can do one thing better than anyone and that's love her. The same goes for you. I might not always get this parent thing right in fact I know I'll make mistakes but I know how to love you well. No man will ever love you more. That's a promise made and I'll never break it." she pauses grinning down at her daughter before continuing again aloud.

Gratitude, wow…I really have no words other than you proved to me today not only does god exist he loves me. You are his opinion that world is still worthy and should continue.

Chyler what do I say that I haven't already said? Oh well If I've said it I'll say it again, I love you. Loving you is without a doubt the easiest and best decision of my whole life. You always manage to teach me things and surprise the hell out of me. Today, you gave me something I didn't even know I needed until she was here. Thank you. You showed me how strong and brave you are. I'm proud of you. I love you just doesn't seem like enough but it will have to do.

Always,

John and or Daddy

P.s. We are never doing this having a baby in France thing again. It was scary Chyler, promise me never again,"

Chyler burst out laughing waking the baby just as John was returning with coffee.

"What?" He asks looking over at her. "Okay Johnny I promise you don't have to do this again. Thank you though it meant a lot to me that you'd uproot our lives to do this with me."

He shrugs, "It was nice…personal, private, we be parents and have an experience we don't have to share with anyone for awhile. Makes it worth the terror. Sides seeing you curse out the nuns like a truck driver was funny."

"The pain got bad, so sue me." John picks up the baby. "Hi Tater."

"Tater John? Really?"

"She likes it see she's smiling."

"That's gas pains."

"You…you…party pooper."

-/-/-/-

You're small Parisian house is filled to the brim with loud, happy family members. You pass Collier Grey, Chyler's father in the living room door way. Looking at the rugged man you are always reminded of Chyler's southern roots. He wears a khaki pearl snap western shirt, Wranglers, a hand tooled leather belt and ostrich skin boots. "You do know you're in Paris, Right Coll?" You ask.

"Chyler will never change my taste." he grins green eyes shining and you see a bit of Chyler in him.

"Me either. Where is she?"

"Hiding in the bedroom, I just left her."

"Thanks." you clap him on the shoulder and move toward the back of the flat.

You stand shoulder leaned on the door frame and watch her a moment. She's sitting on the bed the baby lay across her lap on her belly as Chyler flips through French Vogue. Her hair tossed up messily. Glasses on her face. A shirt stating: "It isn't my job to blow smoke up your ass…" you grin at that.

"You know I don't think we're supposed to lay the baby on her tummy like that. Vogue any good?"

She looks up at you startled. "Really?" She picks up Tatum quickly. You shrug. "Don't think it really hurts anything since you're right here. Now why you got your nose in Vogue, Who you hiding from?"

"I love our families you know I do but damn, I mean it's the first time I've had her to myself today."

"I know remind me to check their bags before they leave, I think Carly's threat might be real." you crawl into the bed kissing them both in turn. "Oh I get it it's quiet back here. You're smart. Sneaky but smart."

-/-/-/-

You are old and achy again, you look over and Tatum is grown with children of her own. You suddenly feel weary and alone, even with your brood all around you. You miss Chyler. You sink down onto the park bench outside the University hospital you get lost a second staring up at the glass faced ultra modern structure.

Paris climbs into your lap. You wave off Deck's concern and listen to Paris read the placard on the bench. "For women who never give up. Dedicated to Chyler Grey Cena and Dr. Ruby Navarro."

"Was Mom born here?" Ashton asks.

"No she was born at a little clinic run by catholic nuns."

" This is the place you tried to heal Grandie." Tony states sounding so much older than his eighteen years. Then again he gets it the girl he loves has cystic fibrosis. He sits down next you slinging his shaggy hair out of his face. He looks at you so intently you try not to grin. Tony's an intense kid always has been even as a baby he was broody. "Was it worth it? All the things you went through, watching her and knowing pain and death were waiting on her and you couldn't help?"

"It was worth it because without her and all of it I wouldn't be who I am. She made my life. She was my life and it sounds cheesy and maudlin but its true. So, yes it was completely worth it. We both went to the ends of the earth for each other. Is it worth it for you? With Leigha? I bet you already know or wouldn't of asked me. Was it the hardest I've ever done? Without a doubt but it was always worth it."

"I wanted to tell you I got into Berkley. I'm going to major pre med. I want to fix it for them both."

"That's good son, really good. You still need a haircut though." he grins at you letting you know you'd lightened the mood. You miss Chyler keenly then. You know how proud she'd be. You try mightily to push the dark thoughts of how close you'd come to losing her all those years ago when it became to much for her to carry alone.


	5. Chapter 5

Chyler has scary things happen to her a lot. So really, she shouldn't be as frightened as she is laying on the bathroom floor. Her legs were fine five minutes ago. Now though one feels like its on fire but she can't move it.

She drags herself into a sitting position against the tub and pulls a towel over her. "Tatum!" she shouts and it makes her sad how well trained her child has become as she hears feet bound up the stairs. No child should have nearly a pavlovian response to their name. It makes Chyler tear up a little.

She sniffs them away before Tatum appears in the open doorway.

"Uh oh Mama." Tatum's voice shakes just a little.

"Its ok baby, no don't cry I just fell its alright. Didn't even hurt." She lies easily.

"Can you bring me the cordless? I'm going need help getting up, so I'm going to call Uncle Sean and Aunt Lacy okay?"

"Should I call Daddy?"

"No darlin' he's to far away to do anything it'll just worry him."

She brings her the phone. She takes and sees her hands trembling. Just adrenaline she tells herself. Its not anything even close to actual fear.

"I can bring you one of Daddy's shirts."

"That would be great." she uses the moment to dial up her brother in law and best friend.

"What's up beautiful?" he answers on the third ring. "Not much since I've fallen and can't get up."

"That's not funny Chy."

"You're telling me… you aint the one with your butt planted on the title."

"Where?"

"Master bathroom."

"On my way."

"Sean? Bring Lace I need her help too." her voice quavered verging on teary

"Okay Chy. Don't cry…"

"You're right I… I shouldn't I'll scare Tatum."

Its funny how a single look can communicate something profound. She's not sure how he knows, for her it's a gut feeling but they lock eyes for a grand total of five seconds just before he picks her up bridal style. That look says they both know something different is coming for her but they dare not name it.

-/-/-/-

The doctor does though a month later when her limp remains and she's reliant on a cane.

Her husband sits next to her looking like an _Alice In Wonderland _cast off his big body crammed into a chair a size too small for him. Tension radiates of him in waves.

"It seems to me that the secondary progressive form of the disease has become active."

"And that means?" John asks finally looking away from the random spot on the wall that he'd picked to stare into oblivion. He looked right at the doctor in the same unflinching manner. Chyler reaches over threading her hand with his. Unsure if she was giving or receiving strength.

"Rather than bouts of relapse and remittance. Chyler's condition will steadily worsen over time, until eventually she'll loose her battle with the disease."

"No, secondary progressive doesn't kick in until at least ten years after the onset I've done my research." he says firmly

"it happens earlier but most likely. Her onset was earlier than the noticeable symptoms lead us to believe. I'm sorry."

-/-/-/-

John doesn't scream, cry, or curse anything he gets up and calmly leaves the doctors office. He shuts down and shuts her out. That's his modus operandi when he's frightened and everyone who knows John knows it. Chyler doesn't take it personal, not really. She just wishes it didn't make her feel so very alone.

"John," she looks at him over the hood of the truck. He's coming around to help her get into the truck cab.

"Chyler I can't, not yet okay."

"Okay. We're going to be fine right? You and me?" he lifts her into the vehicle as though she weighs nothing. He pins her with an offended painful look.

"That was stupid question and you know it."

No actually she doesn't know that. He hasn't looked up the divorce rates for people in their situation she has. Its not good. Instead she says, "You're right. Completely. I'm sorry."

-/-/-/-

Chyler Cena isn't afraid. She's tired and that just might be worse. Fear you can use, weariness just breaks you down. The pain makes her desperate and weak with the need for relief.

She made her peace with her lot. She's fine with it that's life. She refuses to take them down with her though, it's breaking them all down she's sees it in their eyes.

Especially John… he's a man who takes life by the horns fights with it until it bends to his will. He can't fight this, her body, her disease. Its changing him she doesn't want that.

Her head is laid back on the cool porcelain of the tub. She smiles in spite of herself. Her eyes are closed and she can still feel him.

"Cramp gone yet babe?" His voice is light but she can feel the frustration rolling off him. He hates the helplessness and she hates having put it there in his gaze and in the set of his shoulders.

She opens her eyes shifting her head she sees him leaned on the counter facing away from her hands braced on either side of the sink. He's wearing the navy blue long sleeved thermal she got him last month, the sleeves pushed up past his elbows and tight jeans hug his legs and butt nicely, his feet are bare. For once he's without a ball cap. She smiles privately thinking he's beautiful. Even though he'd kill her if he knew she used words like that in connotation to his looks.

She loves him and that makes what she's about say that much harder.

"Almost, John we need to talk." She catches his eye in the mirror. God he looks as tired as I feel she thinks.

"About?" his brow furrows and for a moment she sees Holden in the action

She looks down into the bubbles and steaming water because she can't do this when she sees her children in his face.

"You need to move on John." her tone is surprisingly flat a tell-tell sign of how tired she actually is.

"Excuse me?" his tone is disbelieving and he sounds like he's fighting the urge to laugh in her face.

"I said you need to move on," And the lump in her throat rises up unbidden and is choking her. Squelching a sob harshly she says.

"I'm going to die John." she hears him make some agonized sound in his throat and looks up. He's staring at the sink drain like it has the answers.

"Not today you're not…."

"I won't have you and the children stand by and watch. So, you just…"

"Do not say move on again woman!" He yells and she flinches. He looks up into the mirror. And looks her right in the eye.

"You don't get to do that, you don't get to make that choice Chyler. Only God gets to take you from me. You got that."

"John I want you all to be happy."

"Chyler you are in need of a padded cell and straight jacket if you think there is every going to be anyone else for me. You're it… no one else…I'm done for life. When I took those vows I meant them all of them, You can't get rid of me and just so you know," he looked over his shoulder at her. "When you do go? Years from now, I won't be far behind."

"Don't talk like that!" she yells sobs pouring out of her.

"Then don't ever tell me to replace you ever again." he turned around finally facing her as she nods silently.

"What brought this on Pretty baby?" he asks lowly watching a water droplet snake down her chest.

"I'm tired and it hurts John…. It's so painful, it hurts to breathe, move…"

She's sobbing now. Noisy messy sobs that make her feel foolish stealing what little breath the pain doesn't kill. He strides over still fully dressed and climbs into the tub. He pulls her to him. "It hurts to be touched Johnny…" he loosens his grip a little

. "I want my life back, I want to pick up my kids without my back screaming in pain. I want be with you again and not be forced to flinch away or pray I don't scream during…It hurts so bad, everything…I just want it all to stop."

"I know baby, just hang on its going to get better just hang on a little longer." he kisses her temple lightly.

"I'm not sure I can John."

"Then just do the best you can and trust me to pull you through the rest." he says thickly. She leans away and sees the tears tracked down his face.

"I didn't mean to make you cry." he just sniffs and looks at her.

"Why didn't you tell me it hurts?"

"I'm your wife and wanted to be with you…even if its painful. I'm your wife I-"

"Hush Chyler I won't knowingly hurt you. You tell me from now or I won't touch at all."

"Say what?"

"I lasted six years without touching you I can do it again."

She fights the urge to roll her eyes childishly. "Okay, fine I'll tell you from now on but just so you know, kissing doesn't hurt." he laughs at the quick change in mood.

"Okay, then I'll take that as my cue." hands on either side of her neck his thumbs brush across her jaw line. He leans into her. pressing his lips to hers softly.

"Damn, I love you. He murmurs. He deepens the kiss but its slow and meandering. She's kissing him back. As her tongue slides against his he notices she tastes of peppermint.

He laughs a little.

"What?" she breaks the kiss. "Don't say something vulgar and ruin it."

"Someone's been stealin' the candy canes off the tree and blaming her kids."

he presses his lips to the crook of her neck pulse jumping beneath his lips. Still alive still here. He thinks to himself.

"They're good little scapegoats…." she mutters and he laughs and brings his lips back to hers. "Oh crap all four of them are downstairs alone!"

"They'll be fine for ten minutes Chy." He kisses her.

"But they could burn the house down around us. Then what will you tell the firemen?"

"I was to busy sucking face with my sexy wife to care."

"But-"

"Chyler, just shut up already and kiss me." he pulls her back to him and kisses her firmly. He couldn't remember the last time he'd kissed her just to kiss her.

"I like making out with you…I've forgotten how much." Chyler's laugh flutters against his lips and in this moment despite its rocky start he's happy.

-/-/-/-/-

John thinks Chyler's life crisis, her Crisis of faith whatever you want to call it is over but he's wrong. Its far from over.

-/-/-/-

Chyler realizes how morbid this is planning her death, thinking it through picking a random day in February that has no emotional or celebratory connotations for anyone . Timing it so her husband and not her children find her.

She knows its wrong but that doesn't stop her. Other things propel the decision. Pain, anger, feeling useless and undeniably like a burden.

She counts the pills off into her hand with methodical precision.

-/-/-/-

John steps into the house. "Pretty Baby I'm home." there is no return holler of "Hey Johnny." No movement from anywhere in the house. Something is wrong.

Tatum bounds in from the garage entrance. "Hey Tater where's mama?"

"Don't know just got here. My bike tire is flat by the way. Mom usually naps til we get in. maybe she overslept." she takes off her backpack tossing it on the couch

"I'll go check. Start on your home work and I'll fix your bike tonight."

-/-/-/-

The bedroom door is cracked when he reaches it. He peers into see her sleeping and as turns to leave. A tiny white dot marring the hardwood catches his eye. He shoves the door open wider. He sees the floor is be specked in white polka dots. It takes a second for his brain to catch on. Those are pills. Oxy's.

Chyler takes them for pain. His eyes scan up her arm. Held loosely in her hand is the empty bottle. Oh Jesus.

He rushes through the door and climbs into the bed with her. He cradles her to him.

"Chyler, no baby, no." he taps firmly against her cheek. She's not moving at all. He can't breathe and she barely is. Tears are blurring his vision. "Tatum!" he screams "Call 911." he only half hears her climbing the stairs.

"Chyler just keep breathing. Please…please…"

"Why daddy?" he turns to find his ten year old standing the door way. His tears blurring her around the edges. "Just do it. Fucking mind me please." he begs her face crumbles as runs for the phone. In that moment John has never been more angry with Chyler his whole life. "Keep the others down stairs!"

"You don't get to bail Chy that's not how this works. You stay do you hear me you stay with me! Please, baby…please stay please just breathe." He begs.

-/-/-/-

John's not sure how he gets to the hospital or how his family gets there but he's there sitting in a hospital chair when Randy arrives. The show is in Boston tonight.

"Man," Randy says.

"She tried to off herself. That's how bad its gotten and I didn't even…" his father sits down next to him. Placing his hand on his back rubbing in circles like he does with his kids when they need comfort.

"I don't know how to help her…I need to fix it…" the sob filling his chest breaks loose. "And I don't know how Dad."

"I know son, We're going to figure it out."

"I think I understand it but I don't. I'm selfish I need her. I'm not built like her I can't be by myself. I need her in my life, I need her to tell me when I'm working too much or being an asshole. I need my friend…I just need her. I don't know how to stand by and watch her die. Whether its quick or slow. I'm not sure I can do it either way."

"You don't get a choice John, it sure as fuck ain't fair but that's the way it is." said Randy. Moving to sit at John's feet.

"You need to accept it to help her accept it. Chy's not perfect as much as I'm sure you think she is, that was an act of desperation. She's overwhelmed and you know she does dumb shit when she gets desperate." He shrugs off John's shocked look.

"What the fuck did you think Leland Chapman was? A brain fart? I pay attention I know her better than you think."

John laughed in spite of himself "Thanks, I think. That long haired fuck is just the bane of our existence isn't he? How's Cady?"

"She's half me, Half Becca how do you think? Spoiled rotten, smart as hell with a mean streak a mile wide. In short, she's five."

-/-/-/-

The doctor strides toward them frazzled looking but still fresh faced enough to make John think he's just out of med school.

He looks up from the file he's perusing. "I'm Doctor Ellis I treated your wife." John shakes his hand.

"We've pumped her stomach and she'll be held on a seventy two hour psych watch, that's standard operating procedure for all suicide attempts. She's sleeping now. You got lucky Mr. Cena even five, maybe ten minutes more and you'd be planning a funeral. Something to keep in mind, one in four of all MS patients attempt suicide to escape the pain, its almost never about anything else."

"Can I see her?"

"She's not a threat to anyone but herself, so yes." John's stomach turns but he leaves behind Randy and his Dad and follows the doctor.

-/-/-/-

She's lying as deathly still as before, underneath crisp white sheets her complexion only a little better than the sheet. Her chest rises and falls steadily. Despite that he still feels sick and frightened.

He steps forward to brush away the remnants of charcoal clinging to her lips it sticks stubbornly and he inadvertently wakes her.

They simply stare at each other for a frozen moment. Chyler's eyes filling with tears he asks the only thing that's on his mind.

"Why?" he clears his throat before his voice can break.

Chyler takes a shaky breath and for just a second anger flashes into her clear green eyes. "You know why. I tried to tell you and you just couldn't hear me."

"Is the pain honestly that bad? That death is better option?" he snaps back anger heating his words.

"You don't understand John!" her voice shakes but he's too angry too care.

"You're right I really don't. he's so tired and confused. "So, explain it please."

"I know you're mad at me but could you just touch me? If I…if I'm going to be honest and tell you everything, I need the contact." the words are barely out of her mouth when he picks her up carries across the room to the hard plastic couch he sits and nestles her in his lap.

He presses his lips to the top of her head inhaling her shampoo. "No matter how pissed off I am, I still love you got that?"

"I don't know where to start?"

"When you started thinking about it will work?"

"Do you know over seventy percent of marriages where a partner has MS ends in divorce?"

"I didn't but-"

"Don't say that's not us, John."

"It won't be and you know it."

"I'm sure all those people thought the same thing, I don't want to be a burden on you and the new diagnosis pretty much a guarantees it. I don't want to be trapped in my own body John! I'm terrified I'll lose who I am! My sanity! What do we do John when I wake up one morning and I can't speak? Or what about when I can't hold your hand? Or be with you anymore? Are you still going to love me when I can't wipe my own ass John?" her voice is frantic and angry.

"I already have trouble keeping up with the kids, I can't chase them around anymore and Holden's stopped hugging me, he's afraid he'll hurt me. I hug my kids, I hold them, they pretend to hate it on principal but…I'm going to loose everything bit by bit and I'm so fucking scared….I hurt all the time, everyday all day but more than that I'm scared that you'll hate me for all the responsibility I bring you, I'm scared that my kids are going to feel cheated because I'm not a normal mom or that they won't know how much I love them when I can't show it outwardly anymore. I'm terrified of dying. My worst fear is being trapped inside myself where no one can reach me. I don't want to die alone but I don't want you to watch either. So yeah I'm in a hell of a lot of pain but its so much more than physical now."

"I wont do this again I promise, but I need your help John, I'm so freaking scared I can't breathe, please help me.

"Look at me Chyler." he tips her face up.

"I will never hate you for anything. I'm going to take care of you not out of obligation but because its what we do. How many times have you taken care of me when I'm injured or just do something stupid because someone dared me? Huh?"

"That's different."

"No baby, its not. I want to take care of you because I love you. If that means feeding you when you can't hold anything anymore including my hand or wiping you or bathing or whatever else you need then so be it. I'm going hug the kids twice as hard for you. I'm going to kiss them at the most embarrassing moments possible because you would. I'm going to chase them, and chaffuer them to all their stuff and they would know how much you love them even if I didn't do it. Because, you are that good of a mother. They'll just know because you taught them how to love. You're not alone in this, we're going to slow this fucking disease down somehow I promise. And you won't be trapped in your own head pretty baby, because even if you can't tell me something I'm always going to hear what you're saying. Always. The " I love yous." went unspoken for a lot of years but we always knew right? Its no different."

Chyler is quiet for a bit and John feels the moment the gravity of what she'd done sank in. She tenses. "Oh God, John I- I- I'm so so so sorry what's wrong with me! I love you, it was nothing you did I promise I- oh god the kids!"

She turns his arms and hugs him tightly. She presses her lips into his neck, she's trembling in his arms her breath coming in fast hitches. He knows she's about to panic so he says calmly. "You're fine baby, its okay…we're okay, and so are the kids."

"Who?"

He swallows the lump in his throat. "I found you. Tatum called 911 the others have no clue I made them think you had a bad relapse."

"I probably just screwed her up royally."

"No, I'm sure she'll be fine. We'll talk to her about it everyone makes mistakes."

"Does everyone hate me?"

He laughs, "I think I'm the only one who was mad. Everyone else seemed to be clued in on the fact you'd reached your breaking point. Even Randy, reminded me that you quote do stupid shit when you're desperate. Sean may need a hug though. You scared us."

"I really am so sorry."

"I believe you baby."

-/-/-/-

"I'm taking time off Vince." John says.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, effective as soon as humanly possible I'm taking the time off owed me."

"Whatever for?"

"I'm sure you've heard Chyler's prognosis has worsened. I'm going to try my damnedest to at least make it better if I can't cure the fucking thing. They have more advanced treatments in Europe. So we're going to try those. Also, the second she's wheelchair bound my in ring work stops, I'll commentate if you'll have me but she's my everything and this as much as I love it isn't everything its just a thing."

-/-/-/-

Chyler stands on bridge over looking the Seine River she leans on the intricate iron trailing. She looks pensively out over the water. Despite the tense melancholy that rolls off her John still finds her beautiful. He leans the opposite way so he can look at her.

She looks good, in skinny jeans and a dove grey cowl necked sweater. She's thinner than a few months earlier side effects of her meds kill her once voracious appetite. He can see the tiredness around her eyes, to much jet-setting lately.

He reaches forward and tucks a dark strand of hair behind her ear.

"Those meds Ruby gave you are going to work baby quit analyzing." She smiles at the mention of her foreign exchange room mate turned doctor.

"No it's not that…I need you too do something for me, two things actually."

"Name it."

"When I die spread my ashes here, in the Seine. I fit here, other than with you I never fit anywhere. I like it here. I was happiest here, with you the year Tatum was born."

He unclenches his jaw. "Okay I'll do it. You don't have to convince me. The other thing?"

"When the girls turn eighteen promise me you'll bring them here. The first time they see the city should be with a man who truly loves them."

"Consider it done."

He leans forward placing a soft kiss on her mouth. "I think I saw a chocolate croissant with your name on it in the bakery window what do you say?"

She picks up her cane. "I say I'm not sharing get your own."

"Oh that's how it is huh?"

He takes her free hand and holds it in his. They journey down the street and Chyler sort of hobbles along but it doesn't bother him and for now in this moment he isn't angry with fate or resigned to it. He's determined to enjoy life.

-/-/-/-

When he comes back into the present Tatum is staring off into the middle distance squinting at the Eiffel Tower.

"What you thinking bout Tatum? And don't say nothing you've had the same thinking face since were five."

"Everything and nothing at all Daddy. I miss my mother."

"I know." There's nothing else he can say.

-/-/-/-

**AN: I only own my characters. Becca owns herself. I do not know or own anything related too john cena, randy Orton, or leland chapman. This is for fun not profit. This chapter was a bitch to write so if you liked it please leave a review.**


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